Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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