youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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