I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
