she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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