The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Randomize
