ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
All I want is dick and wine.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
