What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
