Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
