I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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