every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
