walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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