I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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