Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
