You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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