also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
