Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
