whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just want to make out with him forever
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
