How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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