fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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