using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
