Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
