Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
