just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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