I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize