Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
