Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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