So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
