he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
