he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
