and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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