I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
