you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
