You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I love you. Go after that dick
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
