if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
