So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
