I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
