I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
