apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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