So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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