I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
