First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize