What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
