They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
