he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
