I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
