well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
