It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
