I feel like abortions should bother me more
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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