Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
