I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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