69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
