Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's blow job season.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
