yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm both gender and math confused
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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