She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
