Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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