no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
found the other keg... it's in the tree
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
