I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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