shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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