I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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