Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
