Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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